-Ripped by Rapunzel-
Hey!
I was so surprised when I saw you on the schedule.
I thought you left a week ago.
Well, now might be a really good time for me to let you know:
I am full of surprises.
So, are you sticking around?
Because, you know, there's actually a slot open here.
Thanks, but I have season tickets to Disneyland,
so I do need to get back for that.
(chuckles): Right.
Speaking of plans, where were you at the parade?
What happened to you? I was looking for you.
Oh, was being dressed as the Queen,
and being the central focus of Mardi Gras,
not glaring enough for you?
I did happen to see that, and you looked amazing.
Thanks.
But I was looking for you after
and I couldn't find you. Oh.
And then my boyfriend got... sick.
He wasn't feeling well and just, ugh, life stuff.
"Life stuff"?
Please don't ever say that again.
I just meant...
No, it's too late.
You've already ruined my life stuff.
(chuckles): Okay.
All right, I'm gonna get started.
Okay.
(blues music playing)
I used to play this game with, uh, my friends growing up.
It was called "How 'Bout Now, How 'Bout Right Now?"
And whenever anybody thought of something fun,
you'd say, "How 'bout now, how 'bout right now?"
Okay, say you're driving down the road.
You pass a bowling alley.
It's 10:00 in the morning.
Somebody yells, "How 'bout now, how 'bout right now?"
You have to pull over immediately,
park the car; five minutes later,
you're inside, in rented bowling shoes,
and just bowling strikes.
I mean, I bowled the strikes.
They did their best.
Kate, what are you thinking?
That doesn't really speak to me.
What do you mean?
I don't know, just, you know,
people who pride themselves on being adventurous
or spontaneous,
when they don't really have a sense of play
within their true self.
You know? Like, I don t...
Uh, personally, I guess I just like a plan, you know?
And then I can have freedom within structure.
I-I just like, basically,
I just like to know exactly what I need to wear.
Hmm. I'm sorry I asked.
("Jambalaya" by The Plainsmen playing)
♪ Jambalaya and a crawfish pie ♪
♪ And a fillet gumbo ♪
♪ 'Cause tonight ♪
♪ I'm gonna see my ma cher amio ♪
♪ Pick guitar, fill fruit jar ♪
♪ And be gay-o ♪
♪ Son of a gun, we'll have big fun ♪
♪ On the bayou ♪
♪ Son of a gun, we'll have big fun ♪
♪ On the bayou. ♪
Top of the morning to you.
I hope you take the bullets out of that thing when you travel.
It's a Civil War reenactment, Bill.
I'm not actually battling the Confederacy every month.
Regardless, be very careful.
All right, I'm heading out.
Uh, Tig, I haven't seen you in a while.
-Is that good? -It's merely a fact.
All right, well, that's settled.
-I'll see you guys later. -Uh, hold on.
There are boxes on the front porch for you,
-from Brooke. -Oh, God.
Why would she ship your boxes back?
Because we broke up.
Oh, so that's why you didn't go back to L.A.
This is so annoying.
Now I have to send them back to her again.
Where are you gonna ship them to
if you're no longer living with Brooke?
It's too late to take an interest in my personal life.
I'll figure it out.
-(car horn honks outside) -Tig?
Uh, did you want some coffee?
I made a full pot.
I would love one, but my innards are telling me no.
So, thank you.
Still hanging with that hot reporter?
Indeed.
-Are you gonna be home for dinner? -Probably.
I would appreciate it if we would all be here for dinner.
While you're still in town, I would like us
to relate more.
More what?
Effectively.
Remy, will you be finished with all your games?
(chuckles) Yeah. Yeah, Bill.
I'll be finished with all my games.
See ya, nerds.
BILL: Wonderful.
I'll see you both for dinner, then.
(door closes)
-JESSIE: Do you want a mimosa? -Uh, sure.
But, go heavy on the orange juice, please.
JESSIE: Shit!
Shit, shit. I'm out of everything. Ugh!
That's fine.
I keep meaning to get to the grocery store.
TIG: What inspired you to paint all of these?
JESSIE: Bea Arthur. Look at her.
She's just the coolest.
I mean, with her billowy vest suit and her gray hair.
And did you know that she was a truck driver in the military
before she was an actress?
I did not know that.
It's true. And Maude.
God, Maude just speaks the truth on everything, you know?
Supporting me to be bold and outspoken.
I even snagged her name. (chuckles)
Jessie B. Arthur.
(scoffs) No way.
-(laughs): Yeah. -What's your real name?
(groans)
(quietly): Johnson. Mm.
I'm sorry, you were whispering.
-Mm-hmm. -I couldn't hear you.
(loudly): Did you say Johnson?
Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm. That's the one.
Yep, I hate it.
Can I paint you?
(Tig chuckles)
What are you doing?
-What? What? -Wait a minute.
I said I was gonna paint you.
I guess I just... I'm not sure if pink is my color.
(giggles)
So when you say "be honest..."
Mm-hmm?
-...what does that mean? -I don't know.
I guess it's just a reminder
to tell the truth in every moment.
Yeah, is that hard for you?
Well, it's hard for everybody, isn't it?
I just like having the reminder.
Maybe I'll have "floss daily" tattooed on my wrist.
(both chuckle)
Let me see.
Perfect.
(Tig grunts)
What-what are you doing?
Come on, Tig. This is insane.
I-I'm sorry, I'm just not comfortable with my body yet.
I'm comfortable with it. Mm.
-I love scars. -Yeah, you keep saying that,
but there's a chance these could be bottom of the barrel.
I just know they are so hot.
You got to let me see 'em at some point.
How 'bout now? How 'bout right now?
(chuckles): Oh, my God.
So you caught the show?
Of course.
Oh, my God.
You are so fucking sexy.
(chuckles) I shudder to think
what you might be like if I had tits in this moment.
(gasps)
Oh, God.
(gagging)
(moaning)
Are you sure you're okay with this?
(moans) Oh, my God.
I'll take this as you being honest.
(bugle playing reveille)
Aim!
Fire!
(men groaning)
Recover! Order arms!
Aim! Fire!
(men groaning)
Reload!
Regiment, port arms!
At the quick step!
Come on, gentlemen. Get 'em in line.
Forward march!
Get 'em, boys!
-Forward! -Forward!
Aim!
Fire!
(grunts)
Marks has been hit!
Finished! Just leave him!
REMY: I can t!
-(coughing) -(gunfire continues)
I got you, brother.
I got you. I got you. I got you.
Lord, don't take me now.
I still have work to do, Lord.
-MAN: Charge! -(men shouting)
All right.
(grunts)
(men clamoring)
-(grunts) -Take it easy there, brother.
You're gonna be just fine.
Thank you, nurse.
Pulse is good.
Thank you, brother. Thank you.
Yeah, you just lie right down. You're gonna be just fine.
(exhales)
TIG: So were you being honest when you said
this cafe was only a ten-minute walk?
JESSIE: Well, you be the judge. It's right around the corner.
-(gasps) Somebody got a present. -So?
I want to see what's in there. Just act casual, okay?
Was I acting too formal?
Oh, my God. It's fancy chocolate.
Oh, does somebody want a candy bar?
How 'bout now? How 'bout right now?
No. How 'bout we not trespass right now?
They won't even notice. I'll just get one.
-Yes, they will. No. -Hold on, hold on.
Mmm. Oh, my God. You have to try this. Oh, yeah.
No! This is gun country.
What the hell are you doing?
I'm a doctor.
And this is my patient. She's diabetic.
When we were walking, her blood sugar dropped.
Thank God I saw these chocolates on your doorstep.
Wait, what?
Tatiana, are you still dizzy? Oh, yep.
-She's still sweaty and confused. -What?
-TIG: I, well... I'm okay. -Are you still confused?
Oh, y-you want to come inside and lie down, or what?
-No, no. -Do you need to come inside
-and lie down, Taty? -No.
-I'm fine, thank you. -She's fine.
Hey, you know who you look like?
It's that girl on the news.
Yep, that's my cousin. (laughs)
-Ha, that's weird. -Yep.
Well, my side of the family runs more medical.
Oh, yeah? Ya'll could be twins.
Hey, you know what? I got a bait and tackle shop.
-Oh. -Yeah. If your family or anyone need any bait,
-I'll hook you up. -We love bait.
-Yeah, you take one, too. -Yeah.
I prefer tackle, personally.
We sure will stop by.
Come see me. I'll bring you fishin .
(bugle playing taps)
(gunfire in distance)
MAN: And resurrect!
Oh, goddamn it.
This rock has been jabbing me in the ass.
Nice tourniquet, Captain.
(chuckles): Yeah, thanks. You, too.
-I mean nice... nice nursing out there. -(laughs)
You gonna go to the party tonight?
Yeah. Should be fun.
All right, cool.
Well, I guess I'll see you there, then.
REMY: Bill, man, this looks incredible.
Well, thank you, Remy.
No offense, but I'm shocked you even know how to do this.
It was intended to be eaten hot.
Uh, I'll text her.
She knows we're having dinner. I told her this morning.
But I'm sure she didn't know you were actually cooking.
Patience is a virtue, Remy.
JESSIE: I could go for something sweet.
TIG: Do you have some kind of sugar addiction?
JESSIE: Yeah.
TIG: Do you want a sno-cone?
How 'bout now? How 'bout right now?
Oh, my God. You like that way too much.
(laughs)
(rap music playing)
♪ Brrr, stick 'em, brrr, stick 'em ♪
♪ Brrr, stick 'em, ha-ha-ha, stick 'em... ♪
(rap music continues)
TIG: Hey.
Dominic.
-You work here? -Yeah.
-This is my business. -(music quiets)
I built this stand myself.
Wow.
I'm really impressed.
Plus, I can practice dancing when it's slow.
-Or busy. -That's awesome.
And you can totally dance.
Yeah. I'm in a crew.
-Nice. -Oh, hey,
did your cat ever come back?
-No. -Oh, man.
My dad... I mean, our dad,
or whatever, was really upset about that.
Yeah, well...
So, what can I get you?
Two rainbow sno-cones, please.
Excellent choice.
Nice.
Bill, this is so good.
Man, that battle today was really intense.
It really felt like I was back there, you know?
"Oh, that's really interesting, Remy.
"Please, do... do go on.
"Tell me more.
More about your Civil War stuff."
Your bread is not your canvas, Remy.
You know, I think, uh, think I'm gonna get going.
-REMY: To the war. Go Union! -MEN: Union!
REMY: I'll be right back.
Excuse me.
What you drinkin ?
-(chuckles) -Shirley Temple.
(laughs): All right, then. Uh, well, cheers.
Oh. Cheers.
Uh, you know, you're supposed
to make eye contact when you cheer somebody.
-I did, didn't I? -No, you didn t.
I mean, I could've poisoned your drink, you'd have no idea.
-What? -Yeah.
I mean, in medieval times, it was very common
to poison your enemy's drink.
Not that you're an enemy, but...
So you had to maintain eye contact
to know you were dealing with an honest person.
(laughs): That's a myth.
What? No, it's not.
I'm a history teacher.
I promise, it's not.
Even if it's not, it makes no sense.
I mean, someone could easily poison your drink
and still make eye contact.
-Oh, is that... is that so? -Mm-hmm.
Gotta keep an eye on you.
(Vicky chuckles)
I don't need looking out for.
Oh, you're great.
I bet you never thought you'd say such a thing
to "Vicky the Keg."
Oh, wow. Um...
-I'm so sorry. -It's okay. I mean...
-I didn t... -It's not okay, generally speaking,
but... I'm over it.
I've worked through it.
Y-You worked through what?
Just that whole time.
I mean, obviously you had your own pain,
even though you were a big athlete and...
I was an easy target.
(laughs): I mean, you're a teacher.
We all know what bullying's all about.
Uh... yeah. Yeah.
The kids that seem like they have so much power
but are just compensating
for something that's happening at home.
(chuckles): Yeah.
Yeah, uh... yeah.
Thank you for being so great about it.
I mean, you re... you're awesome.
Thanks.
(both chuckle)
Come here.
Remy...
Uh...
(chuckles)
Let me call you a cab.
TIG: Oh, my God.
JESSIE: What?
I forgot that I have to deal with
these boxes from my ex-girlfriend.
Ex?
Yeah.
I broke up with her.
Did you think we were still together?
Well, I mean, I guess so.
I couldn't be hanging out with you
if I was seeing someone else.
But you didn t, like, break up with her for me or...?
Oh. No.
-No. -No, no, no. I mean,
not really, you know.
We just...
Been trying to tell myself to bite the bullet
-and commit to her, but... -Mm-hmm.
...even you could tell it wasn't working.
I could?
I mean...
I don't know. Never mind. Whatever.
But you're still gonna go back to L.A. though, right?
-Yeah. -Yeah.
Or, uh, maybe I could move in with you and Bea Arthur.
(both laugh)
What?
(laughing continues)
BILL: Hello, Tig.
Where were you?
Out.
Is that all you have to say for yourself?
"All I have to say for myself"?
You know, Tig, I try not to judge.
You've been extremely inconsiderate.
What are you talking about?
I prepared a full dinner for you and Remy.
And then we sat here waiting for you
while it got cold.
I thought we were all gonna eat our separate meals like usual.
I told you I wanted to mend fences.
No, you didn t.
Well, you knew that we had words at the parade.
And, uh, well, ever since then, there's been a discomfort.
Well, that's in the past, right, Bill?
I mean, even dinner, that already happened.
Why-why are we talking about this?
I don't follow.
You say to move on.
Why not move on from the good, too?
Like the day I learned to walk or birthday parties.
What's going on?
Or when Remy pitched a perfect game.
Huh?
The good is in the past, too, Bill.
You can't pick and choose.
Every chapter matters.
This is nonsense.
You don't seem to comprehend the-the impact
all of this has had and continues to have
on my life and Remy.
-No, I-I'm okay. -BILL: You two turned out
just fine.
What is "fine," Bill?
Remy lives in the attic
and hasn't had a girlfriend since high school.
I can't commit to anyone, and I have no place to live.
We're all paralyzed.
This house is a pain vortex.
You are a goddamn smart aleck, and I am sick of your shit.
I don't want to live in the dark like you.
I want nothing of the kind.
-Ha. -Ha, what?
(chuckles)
-Bill... -T-Tig, come on, Tig.
...Mom has a son
from an affair she had for years
during our childhood,
and you didn't know it,
because you thought everything was fine.
Well, I was well aware of all of that.
You knew about that?
Why didn't you leave her, then?
Marriage...
Tig, is a commitment.
I was devoted to your mother and to you and your brother.
The three of you... you were my responsibility.
"Responsibility"?
Well, thank you for providing
the roof I was molested under over my head.
That was not my department.
Oh, was there a molestation department?
Was Mom running that?
We didn't know!
We just... We had no way of knowing!
I mean, back then?
We didn't even think of...
things like that, something like that happening.
CAROLINE: Tig?
Tig, your grandfather is leaving.
Good.
We all said good-bye.
You need to get up and go say good-bye to him.
Yeah, I'm not gonna do that.
Goddamn it, get up from that table
and go kiss him good-bye.
Caroline, calm down.
No, I am not gonna calm down.
I'm tired of her attitude. You are being rude.
Yeah.
I don't know what to tell you.
You go kiss him.
I hate him, so I'm not going...
Caroline!
CAROLINE: He is your grandfather and he deserves your respect,
so you go downstairs and hug and kiss him good-bye now!
Are you hearing this?
Get off that phone.
Give me the phone and go downstairs
and hug and kiss him now!
You want to know why I won't be doing that?
Here, ask Shelly.
Shelly, tell my mom
why I won't be kissing my grandfather good-bye.
What the hell is going on, Shelly?
(sighs)
♪ ♪
REMY: So, Vicky, I just really want
to apologize for my behavior last night.
And that stuff you were saying,
I'm not really sure what you're talking about,
but I-I think you might be right about pain or whatever.
Well, it's definitely a step in the right direction
to admit that to yourself.
Yeah, I feel like such an asshole.
Remy, don't beat yourself up.
Just take it as an invitation to change.
Yeah, I feel like it might be too late.
-(laughs): I mean... -I used to feel the same way.
Always down on myself and angry.
I wanted to go back in time and do everything differently.
Not be so awkward and shy and...
stand up for myself.
I used to come home from school and instead of crying,
I would just gorge myself with food.
Trying desperately to fill a hole.
It wasn't until I began a spiritual journey that
I got in touch with myself.
My true self.
Huh.
Do you go to church at all?
(laughs) No.
No. I mean, I went to mass on Christmas Eve
with my family growing up a couple of times,
but, I mean, that's-that's about it.
Well, I think you might really like it.
I don't know.
I'm not really a God person.
(both chuckle)
I didn't think I was either, but...
I actually love it.
It's really helped me to live a more meaningful life.
No pressure or anything, but if you ever want to go,
I'd love to take you.
All right, here you go.
No, no, I-I got it, I got it.
-Thanks. -Yeah.
Here you go.
Uh, that's not mine.
It just fell out of your wallet.
Th-This is not my wallet.
-Well... -It's someone else's wallet.
You better tell your someone else friend
his condom's expired.
(chuckles): Yeah.
I will. I just, I need to get it back to him,
-so I'll, I will tell... -(laughing)
I'll tell him that.
(laughing)
(line ringing)
JESSIE (recorded): Hey, you've reached Jessie B. Arthur.
Leave a message and I'll call you back.
If this is an emergency, hang up now and dial 911.
Jesus Christ.
♪ I watch you reading a book ♪
♪ I get to thinking our love's a polished stone ♪
♪ You give me a long drawn look ♪
♪ I know pretty soon you're gonna leave our home ♪
♪ You say you hope I'm not the kind to make you feel ♪
♪ Obliged to go ♪
♪ Ticking through your time ♪
♪ With a pained look in your eyes ♪
♪ You're giving me the furniture ♪
♪ We'll divide the photographs ♪
♪ Go out to dinner one more time ♪
♪ Have myself a bottle of wine ♪
♪ And a couple of laughs ♪
♪ But wasn't it fine? ♪
♪ I got your letter in the mail ♪
♪ I'm happy for you, it's been so long ♪
♪ You've been wanting a cabin and a backwoods trail ♪
♪ And I think that's great ♪
♪ Ticking through my time ♪
♪ With a pained look in my eyes ♪
♪ I sold the furniture ♪
♪ I put away the photographs ♪
♪ Went out to dinner one last time ♪
♪ Had myself a bottle of wine ♪
♪ And a couple of laughs ♪
♪ But wasn't it fine? ♪