Is that lavender?
You ready to dance?
I'm ready for more than that.
We should get handcuffed together more often.
You wouldn't even know what to do with me.
Pablo: Ash!
We made a little something for ya.
His real hand.
What the hell is this doing here?
You'll have to bury it deep
below the place where your journey began.
Let's go back there and end it all.
No. You go there, you'd end up possessed,
and I would have to cut your heads off,
and that would just be bad for everyone.
Where's this big bad cabin at anyway, Ash?
Ash? Where'd he go?
Sorry, Tweety.
Nothin' survives around here.
( Tweets, squawks )
Oh! Oh!
Geez.
Honey, I'm home.
( Music playing )
Linda's voice: Oh, Ash. Beautiful.
I really love it. I'll never take it off.
( Banging )
( squeaks )
( banging Stops )
( sighs )
( branch snaps )
Oh, Jesus. I almost blew your head off.
A little on edge, are we?
- Where's Pablo and Kelly? - We split up to look for you.
Good. It's safer away from here.
Why would you just run out like that?
I'm not big on good-byes.
Ash, you shouldn't do this alone.
I have to do it alone.
Don't you get it? Everybody dies here.
It's just a rule... death, taxes, more death.
And I don't pay taxes, so all I know is death.
Fuck the rules.
I'm gonna help you end this.
Lady, I like your style.
Wow.
Last time I was here with a girl, I was hoping to get laid.
Didn't quite work out that way.
I did cut my own hand off with a chainsaw, though.
It was a fun weekend.
Trust me, you'd have never gotten laid here.
It was a little cozier back then.
Ash: Bad memory?
That's what this cabin does.
She's a cruel, cruel bitch.
Good.
So am I.
Then let's get to work.
Carson: Please, man, I need you.
It's dark.
So during my little trip,
I had a vision about the book being buried here.
This is where it all started.
And that's where it's gonna end.
- What's down there? - Bad things.
- Doesn't look so bad. - Uh, I wouldn't get too close.
Need a crowbar or something.
Uh, there's probably one out in the work shed.
- Let's go get it. - Yeah, um...
- What? - Just a teeny warning...
there's something out there that you probably shouldn't see.
Worse than everything else I didn't want to see?
My ex-girlfriend.
Wait. Your ex-girlfriend is in the work shed?
Part of her. It's complicated.
Maybe I shouldn't go there.
Well, if you don't wanna talk about it.
She got possessed. I cut her head off with a shovel,
then she did this crazy dance in the moonlight.
I put her head in a vise, and I cut it with a chainsaw.
She did have a rockin' bod, though.
I'll stay here... just watch that book.
Smart call.
( Creaking )
Oh!
(wind whistling )
( squeaking )
( crickets chirping )
( wolf howling )
I'm telling you, if you gotta pee,
you should just pop a squat, 'cause we're lost.
All right. Thanks, Boy Scout.
Oh, we're going in a circle.
What, you're a professional woodsman now?
No. Look.
We're back at the car.
That's a good way to tell.
Brad: What are we doing here?
Brad, I think Heather's just getting tired.
Hey. We should ask them where we're headed.
- Should be another cabin back there. - We're totally lost.
Hey! Hello?
You have no idea where we are.
He'! '
- Well, hey there. - Hello.
Beautiful night, huh?
Brad.
Mate, mate, we don't want any trouble.
If you're gonna rob us, we have no money.
- I have pepper spray. - I will shoot.
Is that a flare gun?
Oh! Uh... uh... no, no, no.
Uh, it's all right. Um, we're the good guys.
These guns, they're for evil.
Bears. Evil bears.
There's evil bears in these woods.
We're actually really friendly people.
We are so friendly.
Well, can't be too careful, huh?
Bears are a menace.
Listen, we're actually really lost, and we're looking for this cabin.
Oh. Um, we passed one a while back.
I wanted to crash there. But, uh, Brad here wanted to push on.
Rest is the reward, not the goal.
Please, take me with you.
It was just a couple miles northeast.
Do you know what, could you just show us
'cause we're directionally challenged.
- Um... - Yeah.
Yeah? Yeah. Yeah, we can show you.
( Sputtering )
( electricity humming )
Linda: Who's that?
Please don't hurt me.
You swore. You swore that we'd always be together.
I love you.
Long time no see, Linda.
Don't get up. Just lookin' for a crowbar.
Oh, no, you don't.
Oh, come on.
Fisher?
- ( Banging on door) - Amanda?
( Clock bell rings )
( distant scream )
( distorted sound )
( distorted words )
It's hard to see through the trees and the fog,
but up there's the Big Dipper.
Melissa: He proposed to me
by the light of the North Star.
That's real romantic.
So are you two together, or...?
Who, me and Pablo? No.
Huh. I haven't seen a guy since we started this dumb hike.
It might be nice to have someone to keep me warm
for a night or two.
He's got a girlfriend, though.
Oh, of course he does. Well, maybe I'll find a cute bear.
Yeah. Doubt that.
So you go about a half mile down that track,
the cabin's right there. Can't miss it.
Good looking out, man. Thanks.
Hey. You know, you guys shouldn't be wandering
around these woods alone at night.
Oh, we're fine. We're at one with nature.
Well, I mean, we could stay one night, you know. Maybe.
( Chuckles ) Thanks, man. But we're all good.
- Nice meeting you guys. - Thank you.
- Take care. - Bye.
Can we please stay in a hotel tomorrow?
I hate it out here.
Man, I really hope that they don't end up dead.
They have pepper spray.
( Banging ) Amanda!
Amanda!
Linda: Ash.
No. We are not talking.
But I'm better now.
Ash, honey, why won't you look at me?
You left me here, Ash.
That's because you were dead.
You killed me.
You turned into a monster.
I loved you. You loved me, too.
We had a life planned.
I've been so lonely.
No. You are not alive. I know you're not.
Don't you love me anymore?
You're not Linda, you're just a head!
Why are you being so mean?
It's because of that woman, that cop.
You like her, don't you?
What about us?
You promised you'd take me to Jacksonville after this.
That house on the beach, that was for us.
Shut up!
She's gonna die here.
We all die. Everyone you ever loved.
( Bell rings )
- ( discordant notes playing ) - ( Squeaking )
( sighs )
Dr. Knowby's voice: The Kandarian dagger's handle
is carved of human bone.
The blade itself seems to have other-worldly powers.
But when it's placed upon the Necronomicon,
it sears the binding's flesh.
Oh! Jesus, Ash.
You scared me.
Is everything okay?
Amanda, you know, I've been thinking...
I think we should just get outta here.
I thought you wanted to end this.
It's easier to just run. I've done it before.
You just leave all this shit behind and start over.
I mean, my God, Amanda, haven't you had enough?
Of course. I'm living a nightmare.
But you... don't you have a responsibility?
Why me? Why do I deserve all this?
You know I'm right.
Why don't we, you and me, just get the hell outta here
and go somewhere we can start all over?
You and me?
Is that such a horrible idea?
( Chuckling ) Look...
I like you, Ash, I do.
Never thought I'd say that to a crazed, chainsaw-handed Deadite killer...
the best I could ever know, but...
I know, I know that I'm not anybody's idea of a great catch.
- Well, I wasn't saying that... - No, let me finish.
I'm... I'm trying to be honest here, and it's hard.
I'm not anybody's idea of a great catch... I got that.
I mean, look at my life... I work in a trailer-trash discount store.
I've got a book that summons evil spirits,
but, you know, before all of that happened,
I had a future, and it didn't involve chainsaws
and shotguns and demons,
and I just wanna... I wanna see if I can find that guy again.
You think you could help me?
I don't know...
Maybe.
I'd like that, Amanda.
I really would.
Okay, Ash, this is not the time or the place.
Amanda, life is short. You know that.
- Mm. - Aw.
I've been dreaming about that.
Oh, my God!
What is that?
That's the whole me.
What the fuck? You just grew another hand?
It's a lot more complicated than that.
It's disgusting.
- What happened to it? - What's it matter?
- It looks sick. - Beggars can't be choosers.
It looks like the hand that Ruby had.
- Oh, God. - Okay...
- What happened? - All right, all right.
Maybe I grew another hand or maybe the hand grew another me.
What's the difference, Amanda?
What's important is I can give you everything you want.
And I want you.
Is that so bad?
I mean, come on, a minute ago you wanted me, too.
Yes, before I found out you're just some creepy tumor
that grew out of the stump of a possessed hand.
Name-calling is not nice.
Don't you fucking touch me.
No!
( Linda chuckling )
Ash, you can't save her.
Everyone you care about dies.
- Shut up. I can get to her. - No, you can't.
You don't need her.
You already have a girlfriend. You have me.
Come over here. I'll suck you off.
I give good head.
You can skull-fuck me good.
It's the best you're gonna get, Ash.
No woman will want you!
- Stop it! - ( Motor revving )
Maybe you like me better like this.
( Screams )
Well, I guess the honeymoon is over.
You broke my heart.
Now I'm gonna break your fucking skull!
Now you fucking sit down.
What's the matter, huh? All choked up?
(laughing)
Oh, you smell good.
What is that?
Lavender? ( laughing )
No!
( Screaming )
Oh, thank God.
Oh... it's gone. I'm free.
That hand must've gotten into me.
It made me do those horrible things to you, Amanda.
I am so sorry.
(laughing)
The good news is I still have this hand
to finish the job!
No!
Now, that's what I call cleavage.
Don't worry, Amanda, it'll all be over soon.
About a minute, give or take.
Oh. Oh, careful.
Watch your step.
( Eerie whooshing )
Oh, ho-ho-ho...
what are the odds?
Looks like you're a little caught up there.
If it's any consolation,
that's exactly how your partner felt when he was dying.
Ah! That was a gift!
You're gonna be alone forever.
We'll make sure of that.
You think that cop even likes you?
Do you think you can make a life with her?
You fool!
She's gonna die.
You already killed her.
Yeah? You always talked too much.
( Choking )
Amanda, we knew who you were the first time we saw you.
We knew you were gonna try and help Ash.
You won't be helping him now. You won't be helping anyone.
Fuck you! We're gonna send you all back.
( Chuckling ) BY burying the book?
Good luck with that, doll eyes.
My dumb twin can't do anything right.
Oh, look at the time.
I should go and you should die.
( Gasping )
Amanda?
- Ash. - Amanda.
Oh, my God. What the hell happened?
Your hand grew another you.
What? That's crazy.
You know, we could've been great.
Oh, baby, I'm so sorry.
This is all my fault.
It's better where you're going.
Well, better to have loved and lost,
and, boy, did you lose.
(laughing)
- ( door opens ) - Pablo: Ash?
Jesus.
Pablo: Did she turn into a Deadite?
No.
Wait. So you killed a real person?
No, I didn't do this.
I did do it, but it wasn't me.
Well, it wasn't this me.
- It was another one. I saw him. - Ash, what did you do?
I'm telling you there's another me around here!
Come on out, you ugly bastard.
Olly, olly, oxen free.
Lookin' for me?
You didn't deserve her, Ash.
I know, 'cause I'm just like you.
Well, then that means you got a trick knee.
Ah! My trick knee!
Sore kidneys.
Fake teeth.
- Bum shoulder. - Ah!
Soft balls.
Oh! Oh!
Both: Time... to... die.
♪ The two of us ♪
♪ Together ♪
♪ Makes the two of us ♪
♪ Just fools ♪
♪ After saying good-bye ♪
♪ To each other ♪
♪ Here we are ♪
♪ Breakin' every rule ♪
♪ Are we in love or are we just... ♪
♪ Two fools? ♪