( Rock music playing )
( music continues )
(grunts)
This is going to hurt.
( Groans )
One more for Papa.
Yeah.
Looking good.
Looking sweet! Uh-huh!
( laughs, clicks tongue )
♪ Space truckin' 'round the stars ♪
♪ Come on ♪
♪ Let's go space truckin', come on ♪
♪ Come on ♪
♪ Space truckin' ♪
♪ Remember when we did the moon shot? ♪
Huh! Huh!
Don't wait up for Daddy, Eli.
♪ We'd move to the Canaveral moonstop ♪
♪ And every 'naut would dance and sway ♪
♪ We got music in our solar system ♪
♪ We're space truckin' 'round the stars ♪
♪ Come on ♪
♪ Let's go space truckin', come on ♪
♪ Come on ♪
♪ Space truckin' ♪
♪ The fireball that we rode was moving ♪
♪ But now we got a new machine ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ The freaks said, "Man those cats can really swing"... ♪
- ( Music continues ) - ( Men chattering )
We close in 10 minutes.
I'm well aware.
Set me down a Moscow Mule
and two of whatever the lady's having.
It's rosewood.
Hand-carved by Italian artisans.
You know how people always say
you shouldn't put your hand in front of a speeding train?
I guess.
Well, what those people don't know
is that sometimes there's an eight-year-old boy
stuck on the tracks.
You saved him.
In a lot of ways, he saved me.
But, yeah, I saved him from certain death
30 years ago to this day.
But, you know, losing my clumsy old meathook
wasn't too big of a price to pay.
But I do like to honor it every year by getting blackout drunk.
♪ Let's go space truckin'... ♪
Care to join me?
(woman moaning )
Ash: Oh! Yeah!
(woman moaning )
♪ Space truckin'... ♪
Yeah! That sounds good!
You like that, huh? You like my wood?
Oh! Please!
I'm getting a little winded.
Maybe we take a break and focus on me for a bit.
- Just a little more. - Okay.
- Yes! - Okay.
- ( Grunting ) - Oh! Yes!
I'm coming! I'm coming!
We're coming for you.
Jesus!
What's wrong? What happened?
I was so close.
Well, it's just, uh... something happened
that hasn't happened in, like, 30 years.
Ooh. I got to jet.
Really?
Well, I could finish,
but I got to be quick.
Oh! Let's go!
Yeah! There you go!
- Yeah! Yeah. - Oh, oh, yes!
Oh: yes!
(moaning )
( song ends )
♪ We're surround by glory ♪
♪ And we're ♪
♪ We're space truckin' ♪
♪ Around the stars ♪
♪ Come on ♪
♪ Come on... ♪
( Ghostly whispering )
There you are.
What the...
How'd you get in there?
( Rock music playing )
Hey, what's the ink?
Woman: It's from a French poem.
Do you know any poetry?
Mmm.
That shit drives me wild.
Well...
it ain't French, but, uh...
I got a little something for you.
Check this out. Come here.
Look at that shit.
- Yeah. - That is fucking dope shit.
It's inked in blood. Here we go.
Try this piece of poetry. It'll blow your mind.
Kunda...
Tranya...
Verata.
Ash: Mesartra.
Mesartra!
Mistropene.
Mistropene!
(laughing)
( laughter and music fades )
Fuck.
( Theme music playing )
(whooshing )
(wind chimes tinkling)
Man: Neighbors report a woman
- screaming for her life. - ( Cocks shotgun )
I was kind of expecting a shit show.
Yeah, quiet's not good, either.
- ( Ghostly shriek) - What's that?
You take the front.
State police.
Anyone here?
( Door creaks open )
( panting )
- Carson. - ( Static hissing )
- John. - ( Static hissing )
( creaking )
( creaking continues )
( gasps )
( creaking )
Something's not right here.
(woman whimpering )
(whimpering continues )
John: Oh, my God.
(whimpering continues )
Ma'am?
(whimpering )
State police, ma'am.
I'm going to need you to put your hands up.
You need to do what he says, lady.
Hands up. Nice and slow.
( Ghostly whispering )
( speaking foreign language )
What did she say?
I said...
burn in hell!
( Shrieking )
We know who you are!
( Shrieks )
(growling )
What the hell was that?
- (shrieks ) - Aah!
I'm going to cut you up into little pieces!
( Banging )
Carson!
- ( skittering ) - Oh!
- ( Skittering ) - ( Clanking )
Ah!
- ( Screams ) - ( Growling )
( shouts )
Aah!
( Shrieks )
(moaning )
Don't.
Don't shoot me.
Please, Amanda.
I'm your friend.
I need you.
You need me?
I need you...
to die.
(laughing)
( roars )
Aah!
( Birds chirping )
(dialing )
Yeah, hi.
I came in there many years ago
and we chatted about a particular book.
It was, uh,
bound in human flesh, inked in blood.
Anyway, I might need some help translating that.
Oh. Okay, great.
Yeah, I'll see you soon. Thank you.
( Beeps )
Morning, Vivian!
Hey, I wonder if I can ask you a teeny favor.
Some things have come up
and, well, I may have to leave town soon.
Oh, honey-pie, that's a shame.
Any chance you could tidy up my trailer while I'm gone?
No heavy lifting, of course.
Just a little dusting, some dishes,
oil up the hitch, make sure it's ready to go,
and drain the wastewater tank?
Uh, anything for you, you sweet little muffin.
Really get in there, okay?
Conquer those clogs.
Thank you, my delicious cookie.
Woman's voice: Ash.
Aah!
We are near.
Your time comes again.
Watch out, you idiot!
Ah, shut up.
Okay, I'll just get my check,
and I'll be in Saginaw before nightfall.
( Muzak playing )
Hey, Mr. Roper.
My dear friend Eli is sick,
so I got to take off early, you know, to look after him.
Anyway I can pick up my check before I go?
Are you really going to use your fucking lizard
as an excuse to get out of work again?
- I am. - Okay.
Look, you retard...
and I can say "retard"
because my gardener is a huge one...
I know all about you.
You think you can't get fired because you have seniority?
Well...
okay, technically, you're correct,
but that doesn't mean I have to help you.
Soto be clear, that's a nay-no on the paycheck?
You get your pay at the end of the day.
That's store policy.
Now take these light bulbs out back
and don't break them.
Okay, Mr. Roper. Right away, sir.
( Clattering )
Shh.
( popping )
- I got this. - Aw, thanks, Pablo.
Oh, great news.
I got some turkey burgers.
You know, we can grill and watch a little
"Monday Night Raw" tonight if you want.
Aw, tonight's bad.
I mean, actually, I just came in to get my check
because I may have to skip town.
What? No, you can't leave.
You're, like, the coolest thing about this place.
That's very true,
but I may have a, uh, situation.
Hey, man, tell me what's up.
Maybe I can help you.
I wish I could, but with all due respect,
your tiny brain is a lot safer with my problems inside it.
Hey, man, I seen a lot between Honduras and here.
- Try me. - Honduras?
You said you were from New Jersey.
Oh, did I? I am... was from there.
Anyway, hey, look, it's a terrible thing
that you're leaving right now
because I just got my upstairs neighbor hired.
That's one more person to look out for you, you know,
like, when you take your naps or you come in late
or don't come in at all.
Well, I do love a partner in crime.
Where is he?
Right there.
Right there. Aisle three.
Ash: Sweet musical Jesus!
That's your friend?
Aw, she's filthy... and fine.
She's very attractive, I know.
Hey, I try not to look at her like that.
- That must be difficult. - It is.
She haunts my dreams. Just kidding.
She does, though.
Well, I should say my good-byes.
( Light bulbs popping )
Nice day, huh?
Just wanted to say I'm sorry I have to leave you so soon.
I don't even know you.
And now you never will...
which is fine,
because you really never could have had me anyway.
Had you?
Are you out of your mind?
( laughs ) I know.
It sounds crazy, doesn't it?
I'm old, graying, 10 pounds overweight.
- 10? - Okay, 30 pounds overweight,
but It doesn't matter.
At some point,
the thought would have occurred to you.
Do me a favor, will you? Thank your mother for me.
She passed her genes down to you in all the right places.
My mother died in a car accident six months ago.
Wow. Phew.
Um, you know, in the future,
you might want to just say "Sure, I'll tell her."
Because a bomb like that on somebody you just met
is downright rude.
But you know what? You're young.
You'll figure it out.
Good-bye forever, Kelly.
Touch me again,
and you're going to need another wooden hand.
Okay, wait.
Another wooden hand in place of my real hand?
Or another wooden hand in place of my wooden hand?
- Your real hand! - ( Grunts )
( groans )
Touchy.
( Door chime tinkles )
( police radio chatter)
Morning, GUYS-
- Hey. - Good morning.
( Police radio chatter continues )
- Coffee? - Yeah.
Sure.
( Chattering )
(whispering )
Amanda.
I can't imagine what you're going through,
but you'll be back to work before you know it.
Yeah, maybe,
if I can clear and Internal Affairs homicide inquest,
plus or minus a psych evaluation.
( Sighs )
I don't know.
( Ghostly rumble )
( gasps )
(whispering )
Are you all right?
Yeah, I, um...
I just... just thought I saw something.
But I can't really trust my eyes these days.
There's nothing wrong with your eyes.
Sometimes what you think you saw
is exactly what you saw.
( Bell on door rings )
( clattering )
Mr. Roper: Hey, William!
Bing those bulbs back here!
( Squeaky voice ) Okay, Mr. Roper!
Hey! Man working here! Lights on!
( Giggle echoes )
Who's there?
( Giggle echoes )
Who's there?
Hmm.
( Clicks )
Hmm.
Hiyah!
(grunting )
Ah!
Get off me! Get off me!
( Squeaking )
Aah!
(grunting )
( laughs )
( groans )
( gasps )
( squeals )
Little Lori hate you!
Aah!
( Sobbing )
( mock sobbing )
You going to be okay?
( Roars )
Little Lori hate you! Little Lori kill you!
(grunts)
Aah!
No, no! No! No!
Hi.
He'! '
What the hell was that?
Let me ask you something, Pablo.
Do you believe in the existence of evil?
A force of nature capable of giving rise
to all things wicked?
My uncle is a shaman.
We called him El Brujo.
And when I was kid he would say,
"Pablito, fear the evil.
The devil is always waiting in the shadows."
Man, I always thought it was the mescal talking,
but after seeing this, I think he was right.
I'm going to tell you something I've never told anyone.
30 years ago my friends and I spent the night at a cabin.
We found a book...
"Necronomicon Ex Mortis"...
"The Book Of The Dead."
Certain passages were recited.
It awoke something in the woods...
something dark, evil.
It got into my hand and it went bad,
and so... I lopped it off at the wrist.
It possessed my friends.
My girlfriend, Linda, she...
I was the only one to escape,
and for the past 30 years, I've been hiding out.
And now, because I screwed up,
read from that book one lousy time,
evil has found me.
That's why I'm taking off, like, right now.
Catch you flip-flop, good buddy.
El Brujo said something else,
that only one man would rise to stand against it.
He called him El Jefe.
I think it's you, Ash.
You got the wrong guy.
What? I don't believe that.
And neither do you.
Woman on TV: ...at the Woodsman bar...
Woodsman bar?
That's where I was last night.
Where a large sinkhole has suddenly opened up.
Don't you see that it's happening all around you?
You got the wrong jefe, chief.
Hey, come on. You fought this thing before.
Maybe you just got to finish what you started.
You listen to me.
Whatever I was, that was a long time ago.
Let it choose somebody else now.
Me, I'm cutting out.
You can't outrun evil, Ash.
- Watch me! - ( Thunder rumbling)
( engine starts )
( tires squeal )
Dad? Dad? Are you okay?
You're... cutting in and out.
- Something... - What?
- ...happened, okay? - Dad, are you okay?
It's just that, well,
I came downstairs this morning,
and you know that book that your mom gave me?
That god awful French historical novel that I never got through?
It was the table.
And then later,
when I came downstairs after my shower,
then the whole place was, like, smelling like pancakes.
Oh, my God.
Someone's there.
- Jesus. - Who?
- She's here. - Dad, who?
Who is there?
- Dad? - ( Knocking )
Dad? Dad?
She's... she's at the door.
( Door opens )
Oh, my God, she's coming inside.
Oh, God.
- She's here. - Dad? Da...
( gasps )
What did you see?
My... my mother.
But she died sixth months ago.
She-
- I got to get to my Dad's. - Um...
I'm... I'm going to take you.
Start the bike. I'm right behind you.
What are you doing?
I'm leaving?
No, you're not.
( Gasps )
( engine sputters )
(whooshing )
- ( cranking ) - ( Grunting )
Aah! Aah!
Shit!
Hey! I got this!
( Engine roars )
Hold on!
Hey! Hey!
You haven't finished your fucking shift!
Aah!
(tingling )
( door opens )
( floor creaking )
Carson's shirt.
It did happen.
( Tires squeal )
Hey, I said I need to get to my Dad's.
What are we doing here?
We're here to see someone.
He's the only guy I think can help us.
- Okay. - I just hope that he will.
Oh, this idiot? Are you kidding?
- He can't help with anything. - Relax, sweetheart.
I'm not sticking my neck out for anybody.
In fact, I'm just about to haul noogies.
( Groans )
All right, I'm out of here.
( Ghostly rumble )
( sighs )
What is that?
- ( Skittering ) - ( Rumbling )
(thump)
What the hell?
(thump)
( thumping, skittering )
( thumping continues )
Well, whatever this thing is, it's found you.
There is no more running.
Are you going to own up to who you are or not?
I guess we'll find out.
Kelly!
( laughter)
Pablo: Let her go!
Ash! Ash!
- Do something, please! - ( Choking )
(grunting )
( Kelly gasping )
Help me. Help me, please.
Whoa!
( Monster shrieks )
Aah! Damn it!
( pops )
Just leave us alone!
Leave us all alone!
Are they gonna get in?
Oh, they're coming in, all right,
and it ain't for Shabbos dinner.
I need this.
Yah!
( Gibbering )
(laughing)
Mommy should have taught you to knock.
Thought I could hide. What a joke.
Who are you?
You seem so... different.
I told you it would cross your mind.
( Scoffs )
Okay, but can we go to my dad's now?
Because I think he's in some serious shit.
Sorry, but your old man's gonna have to wait.
First thing I got to do is a see a guy about a book.
There must be some spell I can say
to undo all this.
The other first thing I got to do is some cardio,
because my heart is jackhammering
like a quarterback on prom night.
You don't understand.
My mom was dead, and now...
And now a whole lot more people will die
if I don't get to the bottom of what's in this little baby.
Please.
Sorry, kiddo. This ain't a charity.
What we're up against only understands one thing...
- Vivian. - ( Shrieks )
Aah!
- Bitch! - ( Growls )
We found you, Ash.
It is time to test
the mettle of man.
We await...
Await what?
You!
( Shrieks )
- Aah! Aah! - No! No!
No! No! No!
Pablo!
No! Get away from her, you fucking old bitch!
(laughing)
- ( groans ) - ( Mock whimpers)
Ash! Ash, wake up, jefe!
- Ash! - ( Groans )
Aw, stop fussing, muffin.
I just want to put these through your eyes.
- ( laughing ) - Jefe, wake up!
Ash, the chainsaw!
Ash! Ash!
(grunts)
- Aah! - ( Latch clicks )
( rock music plays )
( Kelly groans )
Yo, Granny.
( Hisses )
Hope you took your Geritol.
- ( Engine revs ) - Because it's time to dance!
( Music continues )
Aah!
(laughing)
Aah!
( Rock music fades )
You were right.
No more running.
It's good to see you, jefe.
It's good to be back.
How does it feel?
Groovy.
( Rock music playing )
♪ Come along, if you care ♪
♪ Come along, if you dare ♪
♪ Take a ride to the land inside of your mind ♪
♪ Beyond the seas of thought ♪
♪ Beyond the realm of what ♪
♪ Across the streams of hope and dreams ♪
♪ Where things are really not ♪
♪ Come along, if you care ♪
♪ Come along, if you dare ♪
♪ Take a ride into the land inside of your mind ♪
♪ But please realize ♪
♪ You'll probably be surprised ♪
♪ For it's the land unknown to man ♪
♪ Where fantasy is fact ♪
♪ So if you can, please understand ♪
♪ You might not come back. ♪
( Music continues )